Angels on the Moon

April 30, 2011

I miss you bud. I have your blue shirt, I stole it from your closet….I’m sorry. You know it was my favorite J It still smells like you and I can still see you wearing it, making your eyes shine so blue when you wore it. Oh Beev, why’d you have to go so soon? There was so much left to do, say, experience, so much more to live. It’s amazing, you think you have all the time in the world to spend with someone, to get to know them, to have those “moments” that you will cherish, but you don’t! Life is precious, here one day and gone the next. We just aren’t guaranteed tomorrow and it scares the hell outta me. How we are such intricate complicated human beings with minds, bodies and souls…living and breathing one minute and in a heartbeat it can all be taken away just like that.

“I want a sunburn just to know that I’m alive. Don’t tell me if I’m dying cause I don’t wanna know. If I can’t see the sun maybe I should go. Don’t wake because im dreaming of angels on the moon, where everyone you know never leaves too soon. Do you believe in the day that you were born? Tell me do you believe? Do you know, that every day’s the first of your life.” Angles on the Moon –Thriving Ivory

I love you Beev. Good night and sleep tight.

See You When I See You

April 27, 2011

It’s Wednesday night and I’m sitting in the Dallas Airport. My flight got delayed from 10:50p to 11:47p…I’m a litttttle peeved seeing as I have to be to work at 8 a.m. tomorrow and once I land I have a 45 min drive from Oklahoma City airport to home. Not to mention a 45 min drive to work tomorrow morning…sooo let’s see that leaves me with a catnap of about 1:45 a – 6:30a if I DON’T shower.  4 hours and 45 min. Awesome.

BV, I don’t know how but somehow I said “see ya later” today. I hate goodbyes, they are too final for me and so I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I know I’m gonna see you again I just don’t know when…that part scares me a little bit but you’ve taught me I can’t take this short life for granted. Nobody knows when they may have days, years, hours, seconds left to live. BV I don’t know how you knew but somehow I think you knew you were only going to be given a short time here with us on Earth.  You lived with such passion, such kindness, you were the Good Samaritan and like they said at your funeral “everyone’s Best Friend”. I know you were mine. (best guy friend that is) Kelc stole the BFFTDDUP…sorry.  It saddens me that you can’t be there to hug me when I’m sad, wipe my tears when I cry, and when I need a cheer up call be that voice that makes me smile and laugh.  But I will hold onto the memory of your face, those TURQUOISE blue eyes, megawatt smile, one curvy eyebrow, perfect straight teeth, round little chin, I close my eyes when I miss you and there you’ll be.  When the memory of your face starts to fade I will look back on pictures and try to remember again. I know as the years go on I will forget bits and pieces but that is why I started writing down ALL of our memories. So I will never ever ever forget. I pinky promise Beev. I don’t think I’m ever going to understand the why, I can make up a thousand different reasons that could Maaaybbeee make a little sense and then I talk myself out of it. There’s no reason in this entire world why God wanted you, other than you were simply too good. You were too good for Earth he needs you up there for some odd reason. Someday, when we meet again I will ask you and my questions will be answered.

I hugged your mom and dad, told your mom Thank you for blessing me with you in my life and that I was so happy to meet them. I blew you a kiss and pressed it on your silver titanium casket today, I told you I loved you and asked God to send you on a safe journey to his Kingdom.  Dobbe, Alex, Kelci and I were your only college friends that went to your burial today… we thought about getting Qdoba in honor of you but somehow the crew decided on Fazzoli’s instead and I must admit since I was a first-timer it was AH-Mazing. The entire ride back I missed you. I couldn’t help but think that me you and Kelc shoulda been riding in the back seat while we giggled and annoyed you to your last nerve. I miss you teasing me and fighting with me…I miss how you would make me so angry inside but I couldn’t stay mad at your for more than a couple minutes because you’re so dang cute. That’s another thing…damn you BV… we all have to stay down here and get old and wrinkly and fat while you will remain the ripe glory-age of 23 for the rest of your Heaven life, lookin all fresh and cute. Hate you for that! ;) you know I never hate, only appreciate. Ughhh Gosh Beev, sometimes I really miss you.  I loved to laugh and I feel like it was contagious hearing me laugh made you laugh, and vice versa. And throw in a Kelci giggle and we were alwaysss always laughing when it was the 3 of us.

It wasn’t right being in your hometown of Appleton without you to show us around. We passed your high school: Appleton West, Went to the Fox Valley mall where you probably shopped countless times in high school,  attempted to drive around and look for a liquor store after your funeral so we could at least have a beer to celebrate your life! BV we failed on that last one…if only you had been there to first tell us “guys it’s after 9. You’re not buyin anything tonight” and secondly, all liquor stores in a 10 mile radius are going to be closed at 9:06 pm, don’t even try Walmart. They have all their beer out but it’s not for sale. We tried. I wish with all my heart I would have visited Appleton with you, met your family before all of this, and you could have showed me around. There’s no use wishing tho because that chance has passed. I am thankful I could make it home for your funeral and meet your family, see all of our college friends again…much needed and gave me the strength I needed to make it thru this. I know I’m not alone. I have you, I have my family, I have my friends together we’ll make it thru this. I love you Beev. Time to go check and see if I can check into my flight yet.

My Letter to him

April 25, 2011

If Love could have saved you, you would be here next to me.  The amount of love you held inside of you, BV, oh you shined.  Your smile, your eyes, your warm hugs, your laughter. What I wouldn’t give to call you up, whisper CRAIG DAVID and hear that laugh. I have never had someone care so deeply, so fully, & so honestly for me. You made me feel safe. My mom was worried about me flying home from Oklahoma for your funeral but I texted her and said “Don’t worry Mom, I have a guardian angel”. Though it breaks my heart today and will for years to come that I can’t call you up and see what you’re doing, I can feel a little sense of peace knowing you are watching over me.  I’m still not sure how I will get through the coming days knowing I have lost one of my dearest and bestest friends, but through the tears and through the pain I will pray to you when I need you. Without a doubt I know you will be there to listen just as you always have. You were there for me through the death of my puppydog Carmel (I hope she’s showering you with kisses right now), my dilemmas, the beautiful clear sky star-gazing nights, my big move to Oklahoma, all the long walks home, the long summer workdays when we texted all day and counted the hours til I would pick you up to head to Lake Calhoun, and all the Friday nights when no one else wanted to go out—you were there with me thru it all J

I would like to now tell a little funny story about you (BV) and the sweetheart you are. One summer night on our way to the bars with friends BV and I became deep in conversation and completely lost our friends! I told BV to call them but he then informed me he had dropped his phone in the toilet right before we left and it was soaking in a bag of rice on his kitchen counter. Also, I should add the ENTIRE bag of rice was spilt on the kitchen floor!!  I then tried to call our friends on my phone but of course they were all already AT the bar and no one would answer.  We then realized we had no idea where we were! Go figure.  Completely lost we started to walk in circles trying to figure out how to get back to BV’s house. At this point I was crabby, cold without a jacket, and whining because my feet were blistering in my heels!  BV told me to take off my heels, and gave me his giaaanttt moccasin slippers to wear while he carried my shoes for me.  I still laugh picturing my size 7 feet in his slippers and BV walking in his white socks down the sidewalk allllll the wayyyy home. It was at this point I decided I would never meet another guy like this one.  He always made sure I had a ride home or would walk me to my doorstep/car/make sure I called him as soon as I got home.   BV always put everyone else before himself and it is a trait I strive to achieve in my own life.   If I can touch even a quarter of the lives BV did in his short life, I will be happy.

Your parents should be so proud of the man you had become. You were so smart, so compassionate, with a need and desire to care for others I have not seen in anyone else. BV you may have saved many lives donating your organs, but I want you to know you also saved mine. You taught me to never settle for less than I deserve, to always put a smile on your face even when it’s a rainy day, and that it is okay for girls to shotgun beers ;) I know I will never ever beat you in that race tho.  There’s so much I want to say but I know you know. I will miss your teasing and arguing with you like my brother.  I know you’re gonna miss Kelc and I and our giggle-fests …even tho you will never admit it! You love us! We were the three amigos and the three amigos we will stay.

I say a quote with my prayers every night and I know I’ve told you it before but I say a little something extra at the end now…it goes a little like this. “Life’s too short to wake up with regrets.  So love the ones who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t.  Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance grab it with both hands. If it changes your life let it.  Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. BV…you’ve made it worth it.” I thank you for all the memories to hold unto, they are what get me thru everyday.  I love you, I miss you & I’ll be seeing you again hun.

Looking for you in the stars,

Krista Leigh Mika

The Good Ones.

Broke down last night. Couldn't make it home without tears streaming down my face on the drive, walked in the door and couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, nothing. I think I needed to do it and get it all out...I had stayed so strong since hearing of BV's accident and his current condition. My mind was racing all day at work and with BV's ICP skyrocketing it threw countless things thru my mind at a million miles a minute. I talked to my mom, my dad, Kelci, Abby and my dad again. And the one thing my dad told me that night on the phone that has helped me since last night is that "Sometimes God needs The Good Ones." My dad has been thru a lot with death in our family. He lost a brother at the young age of 21, a best friend 2 years later, another good friend from high school years later, and my cousin (his nephew) 3 years ago. I am by no means saying BV is gone because he is as much alive as I am here today, but I just kept saying and thinking  "why him? why BV? It's not fair!! Someone so kind, so honest, with such a big heart should not have to endure this" My dad told me flat out....Krista sometimes he needs the Good Ones too. I never met my uncle David but when I hear of him I know he had such a kind heart... he was brought up in such a strong family and all the pictures I see of him he is always so happy it only makes you want to smile. He looks exactly like my dad except with red hair and freckles :) Same with my cousin Travis, always had a smile on his face, a joke to tell, always asked how things were going... again I think how it just isn't fair that bad things have to happen to such good people. It's not, it's not fair at all. After talking to my dad and hearing all he's been thru, how he's found the strength to make it thru lifes curveballs I decided my dad was so right...God can't take all bad people because Heaven would be empty... he needs good ones up there too, just as he needs good ones down here. I hope that BV can stay down here rather than up. I know God might need him up there, but I need him sooo soo much down here. We all do. At 23, he's far too young and has far too much ahead of him to go like this. It's not his time I know it's not. You hold on tight bud, I'm rootin for ya every step of the way. Your mom, dad, sister and friends we all need you. I love you Beev.

BVH

Ben Van Handel is one of my bestest guy friends in the whole wide world. I can't imagine my life without him in it. He's the one I could always count on to lend an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to grab a drink with on a Friday night. He is always always always there for me...and I wish with all my heart that I could be there with him right now. BV was in a terrible hit-and-run accident walking home from the bars in Dinkytown on April 15, 2011. He is in critical condition at HCMC in Minneapolis, MN.... all we can do is pray and wait. Pray and wait and hope. Hope for the best, Hope for the future, Hope our BV comes back to us,  Hope my BV comes back to me. I need this kid to pull thru, I don't know what I'll do without him. We discussed summer plans just last weekend via text and we still have to have to do them!! I won't let him back down from this. He's too strong, too kind, too honest to go like this. I know he's gonna make it, he has a long road ahead of him but with the love and support of all his family and friends he can do it.
I can't stop thinking about all the memories, all the things that we've told each other, all the things we discussed for the future. I never want BV or I to forget these things so by golly I'm gonna blog em all ...as I think of em I'll be bloggin em. BV, bud, this is for you. So when you're awake and all better one day we can sit and laugh and reminsce all our shenanigans, "epic" adventures, everything. 
I miss you bud and can't wait to give you a big ole hug the next time I see you. Get better reallll soon k, I'll be seein you as soon as I can.

Memoriessss (not in any particular order)
~Texting each other all day in the summer just to get each other thru work/interning. Couldn't have made it some of those days without ya.
~Hurrying to get done with work so we could beach it up at Calhoun!
~Going on a walk to the St Anthony Bridge and the beautiful waterfall
~star gazing at Apple River and Waterama and the cute little book you bought me for my bday :)
~listening to me cry about my puppydog Carmel passing away for about 2 hours
~Zombifying you with my master eyeshadow skills!!
~Shotgunning ....okay you got whupped me every time
~Apple River- playin Cribbbage, swimming in the pool, roastin hot dogs on the fire, setting up our tent only to get it blown away by the huge thunderstorm, running to my car and having to sleep in it for the night!, 1st apple river run sleeping on the ground outside cuz it was so dang hot, star gazing, listening to Cravis rap Eminem, listening to Cravis continually set off Jordan's car alarm, listenin to Cravis barking.
~Waterama- you were my sidekick Ipod controller, loved listening to you sing to almost every song even the Katy Perry ones ;), our detour to St Cloud, me having a laughing spaz on the way there, getting completely soaked that first night, walking home with me allllll the way back to Kollmans under the full moon, jammin to tunes in Kollmans car, air mattressin it up, dancing and drinkin in the water by the boats, watching fireworks, CRAIG DAVID, you losing your phone under my car seat on the way home and me driving it allll the way back to your house for you!
~Charlie St Cloud, Despicable Me, & Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
~Watching the fireworks on 4th of July in Mpls
~Legend's wings and tall boys
~The countless nights we went out in Dinkytown, pregaming at your place, "borrowing" beers from you, Kelc and I always gettin ready in your room, you asking advice for which glasses or shirt you should wear
~Motion City Soundtrack concert
~Halloween: I was Rainbow Brite and a Minion with Kelci, you were Kurt Cobain and a 70s weatherman? Correct me on the last one. Moustache party!
~your blue shirt!!
~Fishbowls on my bday at Preston's...yeah we know how that one ended
~Watching Jersey Shore & The Real World every week
~You me and Kelc were basicallly the 3 amigos this summer....if nothing else it was always us 3 ready to go out in Uptown on the wknds!! All the time we went to Lake Calhoun to get our tan on.
~Oktoberfest: road trippin to La Crosse in Kelci's car, chili at Kelc's moms, shot gunning (of course) outside my car, dancin at that one bar with all the crazy shots, peanuts, gettin pizza with me, walking back, Hot tubbing ooh lala, More pizza, me and you fighting (per uszh like brother and sister)
~our fights about me moving to Oklahoma :(
~IKEA run
~goin to Kelc's gma's, grillin out, sittin poolside
~the 98234750928643 times you've spilt on a white tee. Standard.
~Last party at the 616
~Twins games
~Taco night at the 616 and watchin the Real World
~Brushing our teeth and taking out our contacts
~Taking care of me on my 23rd birthday. Letting me puke on your living room floor and crash on your Mini-couch in your room, then giving me a ride to my car in the morning!
~Getting lost on the way to Uptown bars because we were so deep in convo...completely lost the rest of our friends. I stopped and was like "uhhh BV where's our friends?" Told you to call them ...response "Soooo I dropped my phone in the toilet right before we left, its soaking in rice currently" Awesome! Nobody answers their phones when I call em. Figures. Anyway after we argued about where we were, how we got lost etc. I started to complain about my high heels and blisters forming...BV being the sweetheart he is demanded I take off my heels and wear his moccasin slippers home. So there I was with these monster moccasins and BV in his white socks carrying my heels :( What a friend.
~Going out in Bloomington with JT and his friend. Me spilling the drink as I tried to give you a hug for buying it for me...fail. Dancing with that old guy on teh dance floor and you just laughing at me ... U driving my car home DD and crashing on my "short" couch which is not made for a 6'1" guy you informed me the next morning. Going thru countless fb photo albums while I was drunk...you just sat and listened, nodding along pretending to be interested :)
~Walking me home and letting me bawl on your white shirt...mascara stains and all. U didn't ask any questions just let me cry. The next day you told me you sincerely hope I figured out everything because it broke your heart to see me so sad :(
~Sonic the hedgehog on Your sega!
~Since I was allergic to everything and you had zero food anyway, the only thing you could come up with to make me was a strawberry jelly sandwich with WHITE bread. I remember telling you it was like a sin for me to be eating white bread but i was so hungry I didn't care!
~You saving all the expired Hummus from the Gopher Spot for me :)
~Me leaving bobby pins at your house from all the sleepovers. You always had a little pile on your desk just in case I needed one when I was over.
~Watching the fireworks at the St Anthony Bridge over the Mississippi River. Everytime one of the squiggly ones went off you would look at me to see my reaction because you knew they were my favorite
~Dancing at Sneaky Pete's on Zombie Pub Crawl night
~Taking Kelci's car to the movies, rolling down the window and it almost falling out on 494 LOL...you were so nervous driving it was so cute
~Legend's!! aww all the memories there... wings, tall boys, playing darts, just being silly and telling dumb stories.
~somehow we always ended up walkiing next to each other on the way to and from the 616 to Legend's
~Sweating buckets in your house at 12th and 5th
~Watching the storm from your porch at 12th and 5th
~Playing bags, bpong, flip cup all summer
~Grillin out at the 616
~sitting next to you during Inception
~Icee's at the movies
~Acme Comedy Club...you and I were the only ones who got drinks (of course) and just laughing our butts off all night! Nick Swardson and all.
~All the nights you made sure I texted you/called you when I got home. Just always thinking of everyone else and making sure they were safe and sound.
more to come...